I shouldn’t be here.

I shouldn’t be here.

“I shouldn’t be here.” That thought set off a waterfall and it all started with a kneeling twist where I couldn’t reach my back leg. Looking around the room at all of the others in my Yoga Teacher Training able to clutch their rear foot, many with great ease, and I was there “making the shape” unable to reach without compromising other areas all of my fears, doubts, and worries came crashing in. I was warned about this, to be fair. Every person I know that has done a YTT said, “get ready to feel the feels.” Two and a half weeks in and this was my first tear, but it wasn’t just one, it was many. I held it together through the twist, but once we released and were in the safety of child’s pose, with my hands over my face I could no longer hold it in. I quickly slipped out of the door, luckily right behind me, and walked as quick as possible to the locker room where I locked myself in a bathroom stall.

After a flurry of thoughts that had me questioning everything and every reason I found myself in that situation, I reminded myself, “I want to be here.” And with that I recalled my recent pranayama (breath) training and started doing some sama vritti (equal breath). Those four counts in, four counts out helped me compose myself enough to stop the tears and feel stable enough to return to class.

In that moment of weakness, I took control, I reminded myself “I want to be here” and I spent the rest of the day recalling what got me to this place. Not only did I want to be there, I had a reason- I want to help people and am using yoga as a path to do that.

I know this journey will be filled with so many more “What the fuck am I doing here?!” moments, but I just have to keep reminding myself, “I want to be here, I want to help people.”

When in doubt, I look down to my left arm, where years ago I had an Emerson quote tattooed to remind me of my purpose.

“To know even one life has breathed easier, because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

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